Service with a... grunt

Okay, if you've read my blog before then you know that I am truly enjoying Singapore. So I preempt my below comments with that statement.

Singapore has it all - an international, multi-cultural community, phenomenal public services, super easy travel, balmy weather 24-7, ridiculous shopping and delish food. For a country that strives so hard to be amazing and best-in-class, it's almost funny to see how far off the mark they are when it comes to service. If you live here or have traveled here, this will come as no shock to you because it's pretty much part of the local dialogue for expats and travelers. But for everyone else not familiar with the Lion City, let me boil it down for you real simple - Singapore service sucks.

Now, I will caveat by saying that I have certainly had moments of fantastic service here. Hilarious cabbies, wonderful waiters, grocery store workers that take the time to explain what the hell the difference is between the TWENTY-SEVEN different versions of hotdogs, etc. However, these are the glimmering moments of hope in a sea of bad service stories. As someone with years of waitressing, bartending, beer-cart driving and corporate customer service experience, I can tell you it's not because Singaporeans are rude, or because they don't have the skills, or anything of that nature. It really all comes down to one simple thing.... tipping.

In the States, tipping is a way of life. You tip your bartender, waiter, taxi driver, doorman, delivery guy, porter, coffee barista, hotel concierge - hell, you even essentially tip the homeless people on the street in recognition of their gumption for asking. And the better the service, the bigger the tip.  In dear Singapore, not so much. First of all, the homeless people are apparently miraculously transparent, because I never see them. So if they're asking for money, it's invisible and therefore moot.  Secondly, crappy $4.25/hr + tips pay is unheard of.  Most restaurants and bars have instituted a 10% "service charge" to bills, but it's not the same as being broke as a joke because you paycheck is occasionally negative after taxes and having to scrape by on tips based on your sparkling personality and service attitude.  People here just automatically pay the 10% and the "tips" are split between everyone.  No behavioral impetus to blow someone's socks off with unbelievable service, because your colleague can sit on his tail for the whole shift and still get some cashflow. And tipping a taxi driver is practically anathema to Singaporeans.

But for those of you that know me, you know I am a woman of action. So, I have decided I am going to single-handedly begin a revolution.

Sounds pretty big and important, right? Like maybe I'm going to start an Occupy Singapore Service movement or something.  Well, let's be honest. That's not happening. Perhaps revolution is a little over-the-top, but I'll stick with it.

Here's my revolution plan - it's essentially the offspring of a pyramid scheme and Oprah's pay-it-forward:
 - Step One: I step up my frequenting of local bars and restaurants, and increase my laziness factor to ensure constant usage of delivery guys and taxi drivers.
 - Step Two: I leave more-than-10% tips each time they do something that is actually part of their job.
 - Step Three: I tell them how impressed I was with their service attitude and that I want to tip them so they are compensated for their service. I ensure that I say this with gusto at all times.
 - Step Four: These people now go out into Singapore with my deeply inspiring words resonating in their heads and my money burning in their pocket. When they see good service, they will then repeat Steps Two and Three.
 - Step Five: This new, even bigger group of people go out with the previous peeps money and inspiring words (obviously missing my I-had-a-dream resonance, but still a good message), and repeats Two and Three for each good service experience.
 - Step Six: People become addicted to getting and giving tips, and unaccepting of bad service.
 - Step Seven: Singapore becomes world-renowned for their service culture, making my life easier and it more fun to go out.

I'm pretty sure I can get this done in about six weeks. Maybe eight, since I'm traveling back to the U.S. for Christmas, so that leaves a gap in the revolution timeline. Eitherway, I'm feeling like I've got a good shot at some big government award, or maybe a Nobel prize by the time I'm 34.

And, what better time to start this revolution than RIGHT NOW? Nope, no lolly-gagging for me. In fact, I hear my doorbell being rung by what I am sure will be the most amazingly service oriented (or soon to be) delivery guy. Excuse me, I have a revolution to start....

It's been a while....

Well, I guess it's pretty clear at this point that I'm not too great at being a blogger. Life is fast and furious, and my blog has just taken a back seat.  So as I sit here on a quiet holiday Monday night, I will do my best to get back on track. Since it's been months, I will provide a 10,000 foot overview....

(By the way, lots of new pics at the bottom of the page from the last few months!).

Whirlwind travel to Kuala Lumpur, Manila and Hong Kong.  I never spent more than 72 hours in either place, but they were all jam packed with amazingness.
- Kuala Lumpur was a whirlwind of ridiculously amazing shoe shopping (I walked away with four new pairs and two purses. Pretty good for someone who says "I'm not a big shopper") and partying. Highlights - best tapas ever (especially considering it's Malaysia, go figure), the best bus ride ever with 8am beers, massage chairs and the original Mario Bros. on my own personal console, all topped off by apparently the hottest expat men in this side of the world all congregated in one city.
 - Linda (my fave travel buddy) and I then hit up Manila a few weeks later, pre-work tripping it up in this amazing and very different city. Coming from Singapore, Manila is an entirely different world. It's poor, there are bars infront of every house, it started flooding after 15 minutes of intense rain and there were army guys carrying AK-47s checking bags as we entered the hotel. But, it was also eye-opening and beautiful.  It's filled with old, crumbling forts that more closely resemble castles, dirt poor children begging at your taxi for money but with sparkling eyes and gorgeous skin, and hidden gems of local stores, gardens and Madonna statues (not the Material-world version). Definitely opens your eyes to a different side of the world. Oh, and we also danced until our feet fell off and had a blast with old expats from all over at 4am. Lovely time.
 - Hong Kong. Most ridiculous time EVER. Linda, George (my other fave travel buddy) and I had 46 hours and a desire to soak in as much as possible. And did we ever. We essentially packed in what others would take 4-5 days to do in less than 2 days, with about 5 hours of sleep.  Completely worth it. Highlights included cramming three adults into the tiniest hotel room, in which we had a complete blast, dancing and meeting tons of expats and travelers in pretty much all the hot spots in Lan Kwai Fong (party/dance/dinner central), laughing hysterically at the most drunk people I have ever seen stumbling their way home at 5am - and I've lived in Florida, so I've seen some seriously drunk people, so that's really saying something - seeing a fish sliced open and it's heart still beating as someone bought it at the huge fish market, taking pictures at the peak of the city, watching the lamest light show in the world and watching George do a dance show for us at 6am as the sun rose. I came home exhausted and it took a week for my liver to begin functioning again. And it was totally worth it. Check out some of the pics.

Finally feeling like Singapore is my city.
 - As readers know, it's been almost a year since I've arrived (actually 52 days until my one year anniversary!). And it's been a year of ups and downs. Elation that I'm here, excitement at opportunities I would never had imagined a year ago, phenomenal new friends, unbelievable travel, coupled with homesickness, uncertainty at my decision to move so far away from everyone I love, and being sick every time I turn around. But I can say I have really come through to the other side, and Singapore has really weaseled it's way into my heart. I've made a great circle of friends, figured out how to maneuver with ease around the city, become more confident at my work and where I want to take my career, and learned to embrace the differences instead of feeling disoriented by them. It's still a little too hot for me, but I love it and am so grateful that I made the move. Sometimes I'm almost overwhelmed with a feeling of extreme luckiness - how did I get such an amazing chance? It's worth all the struggle and I can't wait to see what the next year brings!

Okay, so I have lots more to catch up on - such as rugby (AKA hot men in tiny shorts), my love of singlish, my near-death experience (slight exaggeration) with the falling chandelier, and being knocked down by the drunkest person to ever function as he literally CLIMBED over me to get in the cab as I was still in it.  But this blog is quite long enough.

Now that I've finally caught up with you a little, I will work harder to keep it up and bring the Acker sassiness to My Singapore Life. Quick note - for those in Boston, Caroline and I will be having a NYE party and all our friends are invited! Since this is on the web, I won't out party deets here, but if you know me, you'll know it's at my favorite Boston bar.....  Look for more details soon!

For my family and friends, I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!!!

A small contribution to humanity

Today, I'd like to talk about long toenails.

Now, I know many of you are thinking - wait, isn't this blog supposed to be about Ack's experiences in Singapore? And I understand your reason behind asking that question, really I do. However, I feel I would be doing a great disservice to humanity by not addressing this issue, dear Readers.  This has got to stop and it's starts today.

(...Actually, I just realized there IS a way to tie the long toenail issue into the original scope of my blog. See, I am experiencing the long toenail here in Singapore, perhaps more often than in the States, due to the constant high temperatures, which then leads to everyone constantly wearing open-toe shoes and flipflops, leading to my throwing up inside my own mouth at least twice a day.  There, now it all comes together and we can move on.)

Here's the situation (or situ, as I like to say to help save time while speaking) - long toenails are far too common and are blighting what otherwise could be perfectly fine feet everywhere.

I get that long toenails were appropriate when we were apes still hanging out in trees, grabbing for dangling fruit off branches. Back in the day, long toenails where probably quite the boon to our ability to climb, so that you could get food to eat and survive, or perhaps to trade for sex, which is also quite key to survival. Especially if you were a hairy ape with rotting teeth and hair mites, as I imagine that bribery was occasionally necessary to woe the ladies.

Anyway...so, I get it. Long toe nails have a place in our history and have probably played an important role in the survival of our species.  But today, I rarely see any reason to need to climb a tree, especially to reach dangling fruit to trade for sex. We have all these cool inventions today, like...  ladders. And fruit pickers. And grocery stores with every fruit you've ever desired sitting there just waiting to be bought for mere dollars. Plus, we even found a way to turn body hair into something sexy through cleverly designed manscaping, and there is perfectly good medicine if you somehow find yourself with a case of hair mites. Fruit as a sex bribe is no longer necessary.

That means there is no reason to climb a tree past the age of 10 in this day and age. Hence, there is no physical need for long toe nails. You wouldn't still use your arms to help you scamper across the ground, would you? No, of course not, because we have moved past that into this wonderful upright position that allows us to look much better in shirts. So why would you choose to hang on to the long toe nails??

But yet, some people are hanging on to those babies with vengeance.  As I've recently become obsessed with the incongruity of this phenomenon, I've done a little stealthy investigation and have observed quite a varied range - scraggly and yellow with what I'm hoping is tanning lotion stain because I can't begin to ponder what else if could actually be, ones so long they're curling over flip flops (yes, I said over flip flops), others crammed into too-small peep toe shoes and struggling to break free, and the real kicker, PAINTED ones with what seems to often be polka dots, or something in the same ridiculous range, so as to perhaps accentuate the length. I am actually getting nauseous typing this.

So, I've decided it's time to take a stand. It's going to take a world-wide movement to put an end to this craziness, because it's everywhere - even if you don't see it because you live somewhere that requires socks 24/7 to keep away frostbite, it's STILL THERE. Under the sock. Or even worse, scratching you in bed.

We have to take a stand, put our trimmed-toenailed foot down and bring those gripped by the insanity back to reason. It takes courage, commitment and patience, I know, but it's worth it. If not for your sake and for the sake of your peers, then do it for your grandchildren.

All you need to say is something along this line - Hey long-toenailed person, you don't need to climb a tree anymore to survive, it's time to trim those babies up and become a part of the human race.

That's not so hard, right? A little effort from us all, and we can end the madness. We can even start a facebook page and take this viral.

So, who's with me??